You always ask me why, i never run and jump into your arms like i do when i see someone i havent seen in a long time. You ask is it because we see each other all the time.? No it isnt. Although that may play a small part in it. It is not the reason. I do not leap into your arms because if i did, you would eventually have to put me down. You would have to put me back down on my feet. Where as i would rather be standing there being held in your warm tight embrace. Maybe it is strange. Maybe it isnt. But it is how i am. I would rather be laying down with our limps entwined with each other under my warm blanket, than in your arms as you hold me. I just feel so much closer to you that way.
Earlier today, i was thinking back on how my life used to be. How i used to a ghost. No one noticed me. No one cared. But i didnt blame them. Because i never made an effort for them to notice me. I never had a care in the world. So why should anyone else care for someone, who doesnt care themselves. It just doesnt make sense to me. For so long i lived like that. Wandering, and searching for something it seemed i couldnt find. No matter how long or how hard i would search. I felt so lost. As if i was alone in the vast ocean at night. I couldnt see anything. Everything around me was dark. There was no light. Nothing but darkness surrounded me.
I hit a point where i gave up. I quit searching for something i could never find because i wasnt even sure what it was that i was looking for. As strange as it seems, During this time regardless of what was going on in my mind. I was happy. I was happy with where i was in life. Other than the fact i couldn’t figure out why i felt so alone and so lost. I was happy. Because i had a small ball of hope burried deep inside. Hope that i would one day find what was missing. What it was that i had spent so much time searching for. and It seemed like the second i stoped looking was when i found what i had been searching for. The vast dark ocean i seemed to be lost in, slowly became less dark. Every time i would talk to you, it was as if someone had turned a light on in my world. It slowly brightened, with every day i spent with you. You know how it takes awhile for a bulb to brighten after it has been off for a certian period of time. Thats what it was like. There was a point when there was no darkness. and I could see the path that had been laid out before me. I was no longer lost out at sea. I was right where i wanted to be.
It was like opening and closing my eyes. One second its dark, The next second its light. All that i had ever worried about, was gone. Everything bad was gone. Well not entirely everything. But the majority of it all had dissapeared. It was as if your warm gentle touch flipped some sort of switch inside of me. Being in your embrace made me feel a way i had never in my life encounted or thought i ever could. It was the feeling you would read in story books when you were a little girl. But the second i held you in my arms, i realized it was real. It was the first time i met you. The more and more time we spent together the more and more my life began to make sense. Eight months later i feel as if i am complete. But not only am i complete, My life is partially completed by you. But theres something missing. and I think in a few years, that will be completed as well, by our children. Our blossoms. and I cannot wait. I love you. Thank you for coming into my life. Thank you for saving me.
Since i could remember. I never thought dreams were real, or that they could possibly come true. I didnt grow up with a father. But when i saw him, and i told him my dreams he would always crush them or tell me that dreaming is just a waste of time. or That there was no point in dreaming because they were never going to come true. So for the longest time, any dream that would creep into my mind i would automaticly shut it down. For so many years that went on, and on. Until roughly two years go. Everything changed. My whole world was flipped upside down. Completely turned around. Everything that i once believed in, i no longer did. Although that is how most people start off when they are talking about something bad or tramatic that happened to them. For me it was a good thing. I finally realized that if you want something enough it will happen. If you dream hard enough your dream or wish, or desire whatever it is that you would like to call it would come true. Just as mine had, and continue to do. My dream came true. After countless years of not believing. My fairy tale came true. Never stop dreaming, No matter who tells you they wont come true or that you cant. Because if you dream hard enough they will. Reach for your dreams. There is no limit. Nothing is to far from your reach. Never give up. Dream and Dream. Never stop. The world is your fish bowl to swim in. So explore it. Go to the ends of the earth. Just never stop dreaming.
The day after christmas me and this boy will have been together for 6 months. 6 short months. 6 of the greatest months in the 18 years of my life. Though it has been a short time, it seems like it has been longer than a life time that i have spent with this boy, and i wouldn’t trade him for the world. Though we have been through quite a lot in the past 6 months, what makes us stronger is the fact we have gone through it all together. From the beginning, rolling into a lake in his old beautiful 79 Ford, to me leaving him twice, to the little bickering fights and adventures we go on and the things we encounter together. Though it has been a rocky road we have traveled together i wouldnt imagine going through what we have gone through with anyone else. This boy is all i ever want.
Feeling his warm body pressed gently against mine is the greatest feeling in the world. It feel as it it is only me and him and the whole world ceases to exist. I could honestly lay with him like that for a life time. Never having to get up to go to work, or to do anything. Just lay there as the days and nights pass around us. There is nothing i want more than to have him curled up next to me sharing body heat every day. Looking back at the beginning of this and how life was, just you and me. So much has changed. But mostly for the better. I love this boy with all that i am and i couldn’t imagine living my life without him. <3